again….. I fa…

again…..
I face u…
the loneliness…..
i know that i have U, God….
i know that U just wanna be with me…
and make me stronger…
but again….
i need more time….
to find U….

however… it is just some exercise before my loneliness when my things are held accountable…. ^_^

Salah satu keajaiban orang sini :p

wow… minggu2 berbahaya lagi dijalanin…

ga juga dink… hanya minggu2 mo ultah biasanya kesibukan dan kelebaian bertambah :p that’s all…

ok.. tadi pagi dapet kabar kalo akhir minggu ini bakal dapet gilirna meeting lagi… treng….treng…. ga apalah… walau sebenernya aku dah ada data dikit peninggalan kemaren2 :p tinggal ngolah walau ngolah datanya cukup hoream…

barusan dapet kabar dari salah satu PD wong jepang asli yang asalnya dari top institute di jepang kalau bigbo bakal ngasih lecture dasar tentang faktor grup analisis ato xray dan hal2 yang laen… tapi waktunya antara jam 9-12 malem ato malem minggu…udah bosen juga kali die tiap hari sabtu ngeliat kecengoan kita satu lab tiap ada paper review… ditanya ini ga tau ditanya itu ga tau :p

wow.. seneng2 aja lah… mana pelajarannya maut semua… tingkat tinggi.. blajar dari nol tanpa basic dari buku mana bisa… butuh brapa taun tu… dapet kuliat singkat dari pakarnya yang lebih berpengalaman tentu aja bakal ngasih gambaran baru yang lebih jelas… abis itu bakal lebih mudah kalo mo blajar n nyari2 yang lebih jauh…

ok.. kita semua orang asing nganggap hal yang ok koq… positif banget…tapi malam minggu si…. kalo bisa jangan dunk.. gile ape…

yang mengagetkan dan kocak… diakhir diskusi tu PD jepang bilang… “semua pada setuju yak…. tapi… kalo bigbo ngasih lecture, kita ga bisa bilang ga tau lagi” (dengan eskpresi sedih) *gubrak* pengen ngakak

 

 

goodbye day

just wanna tell a today story in English before went to  bed…

In the morning before went to campus, I had been already finished my draft paper. Start a day with little bit confusing thing. I had not yet study the section which I had to present  in the study meeting. One of my friend asked help for setting her sample. Around 12.15 I went back to my room for lunch… and no way…. the kitchen was on repaired what should I do?? went back to my desk bought some onigiri in canteen and ate in my room :p after praying time my Egyptian friend called… ” Could we meet today? I just went to your office and no you there..I will leave Japan soon.Just wanna say goodbye to u.” She will leave on Monday afternoon.. “OK” I said “I will go to ur desk after this. wait a minute”. So I was there… in the corridor of her office… and she came…  at first everything just fine… talked ourselves conditions.. our job.. and then say goodbye.. I still can smile with no tears… Until now I never cry directly when I said goodbye… Yeah.. just positive thinking that someday we will meet again right?? when God give us that chance… nothing impossible…  You go for the better life…no need to become sad even though I can not deny that in many case I was crying after that goodbye ceremonies :p far from everything.. when I have enough time for thinking and feeling..only me or with some closest friends :p at least people who leaving or staying did not know at all…

Ok back to the topic… I don’t know how its started but my tear started to fall down.. she hugged me deeply… said I have  to be strong.. fight for my paper..for my life.. and so on… that I have to keep Syahadat in my mind.. just usual things actually.. but it makes me cry… yeah… I know she means a lot for me… for my life… we are different in some ways… I rarely met her… But Allah sent her  to me in the recent years in the right moment..

remembering….

She is the first Moslem I met in Japan when I did not use hijab at that time. 2 week after my arriving here… just alone… no friends yet… no Indonesian friends yet ( I met other Indonesians after 2 months in Japan)…absolutely alone (only with Allah)… I met her in japanese class. Surprise and fell happy because I could see people with hijab… I gave her smile directly and introduced my self. After that we share the halal and haram information, mosque… and so on… just keep our duty to keep our Moslem sisters and brothers save and  fulfilled everything. In the next day however, we keep contact.. I can feel that Allah sent her for gave me a strength and kept my mind not become a zombie… yeah I ever became a zombie here.. flat… can’t think anything… can’t feel anything… yeah just like that…full under depression )

I will remember that she was the first people who I know, saw me with hijab at my first day using hijab even though she will not changed my mind to use or not the hijab. That is absolutely my decision. second, her daughter remind me how I love and miss my niece so much… how I missed her innocent smile and my best time which I ever had with her… at that time I just freeze. already forget how to play and talk to kids   Third, she came to my office and looking for me when I was in the highest peak becoming a zombie :p she said at that time that she just wanna see me.. I am fine or not or something… At that time I just like stupid people can’t say anything just answered what she asked.. yeah that condition was so funny… I am 100% zombie at that time :p she finally said that she had to go, happy I was fine and didn’t want to disturb my job. After back to my desk, I did not know.. just fell better… and I can think again as human :p I thank to her so much for that day… I thank to Allah so much, sent her to me in the right place and in the right time. After that yeah.. we still keep contact and also I went to Eidul fitri prayer together with she and her family.

Yeah…that’s why she means a lot for me in this 1.5 years. Wish she has happy life with her family, get better position, and everything.. I know Allah will take care of her.. who knows… someday we will meet. Wish we still keep contact after this… keep the “silahturahim” forever…

one of my hard part in my life has been passed… the good thing is I think I can manage now of course it is because of Allah…  I know it will be the next hard day and day… but, I will try to fight. Recently i have no enough power to fight but i will keep on my mind for fight even though with the slowest speed.. however.. I will fight… the hardest enemy is ourselves right?? so the next of my problems is myself.. I have to make a compromise to myself in every step in my life…

I can breath today… Thanks God… I still could fell, think, and learn for everything in this world… Thanks to all of my family, friends, and everyone who I know in my life.

Nite ^_^

Are you afraid?

Yeah of course… I am absolutely afraid… worried…. about my life…. that thing sometime comes to my mind..

Actually what are you afraid of? your life?

I am afraid when I have to leave  people who I love. Chica is one of them. O ya, Chica gradually recovers… This morning she could smile and make a sound (zz…zz…zz..with four teeth). I will miss her so much when I am far away from her. I will not see her for a long time. Her face when I hold her, when she sleep, her smile, everything.. She is really meaningful for me. Everything will be the same because love never die anytime and anywhere. She is not my daughter of course. She has parents who love her so much. I believe my sister will be a great mommy… she became more patient now. So… they will be OK and beside that I also have my own life. However… part of my self wont go but the other part say that I have to go… confusing… life is complicated…(No…everything will be more complicated when you grow up :p).

lavender = nisan?? :p

ok mo nyeritain petualangan kemaren 13 Agustus 2010 yang penuh sensasi (yaile :p)

diawali dengan bangun siang…. trus ke kampus bentar cuma ngambil data dan ga berniat mangkal di kampus (izinkan aku break sebentar hehehhe…) dilanjutkan dengan keinginan untuk mencari taman.. jatuhlah pilihanku ke sebuah pamflet tentang taman lavender di dekat danau di sebuah daerah bernama midori…. berhubung ada bis ke arah midorigaoka koen (secara koen = taman, pengertian aku slama ini) ya udah… itu kali ya…. jadi aja naek bis ke arah situ… melewati daerah yang bener2 berbeda emang menyenangkan… di perjalanan ntah knapa rada sedikit macet dengan proyek pembangunan jalannya dan mubil yang melimpah ruah… (pikirku, oh emang terkenal kali yah nih taman ato daerah ini emang banyak yang ngunjungi)… tak berapa lama…. wah nampak memasuki daerah yang masih alami… ada banyak pohon.. meskipun masih seperti hutan… diakhiri dengan bis membelok kearah tempat yang teduh dan banyak tumbuhan semak2 perdu yang teratur…. akhirnya perjalanan berakhir dan tada…. surprise… yang aku lihat adalah hamparan… berhektar2 nisan… yang teratur… dan banyak bunga2 si… tapi bunga2 untuk ziarah… oh tidak… berhubung harus menunggu bus sejam lamanya.. ya udah… berjalan sekeliling.. banyak orang koq yang lagi ziarah.. makanya rame kali ya.. soalnya kemaren tu obon.. mungkin ini yang dilakukan keluarga2 jepang ketika obon datang… ya sudahlah.. pengalaman yang unik juga…. akhirnya nunggu di halte bis ajalah…. dan pulang………

beginilah nasib orang yang buta aksara dan menganut aliran peta buta… :p

Alhamdulillah… merasakan idup normal sesaat :D

hm… idup disini emang susah2 gimana gtu yah… rada lebay2 dikit juga si… tapi yah.. beginilah idup…

tadi pagi… rada gelisah… gile… blon ngapa2in gw.. panic hahahha…

trus nanya ke someone buat nglakuin eksperimen yang udah disuruh ma bigbo.. ternyata ada yang beda… so dihentikan.. mending aku tanya bigbo langsung aja…. mo nanya… aih…. die bolak balik.. mondar mandir.. dengan ekspresi yang amit2.. (ogah ane :p) tapi berhubung harus ya gw deketin asistennya pelan2… eh…eh…. tanya gw… tu bigbo sibuk yah?? die langsung jawab… mo nanya something?? tunda aja mending… moodnya lagi bahaya.. hahahha… edun dah… dikarnakan ada dua kompie yang bermasalah gara2 mati lampu hari jumat minggu kemaren… mati gw…(asik2… asalkan masuk surga aja :p soalnya summer aja panas pisan gimana masuk neraka?? naudzubillah… ) trus die nglanjutin… emang ga bisa nanya yang laen?? ehm….. si eta katanya beda ceunah… ehm… jawab die.. yasud lah.. kalo kamu mo nanya…. tapi ati2…(edun…tobat dulu lah gw sbelum mati :p) akhirnya gw berpikir… gile yah.. banyak progress yang blon beres n gw mo nglakuin yang baru lagi… apa mending gw ngeberesin progress gw?? sebelum ngakuin itu.. walopun itu penting juga buat seminar mendatang?? hm..hm…. stlah dipikir2… koq kayaknya ga bijak yah… sepinter2nya orang kalo pikiran panas (si bigbo ga diragukan lagi pinternya amit2. tapi die manusia biasa pan)… yang ada juga ga bener bukan… pasti gw disuruh ngulang lagi.. padahal kerjanya edun.. gw bisa stay di lab seminggu penuh… menyedihkan :p

trus2…. akhirnya gw malah diajakin jalan ke supermarket terdekat… ngobrol ma salah satu anak sini… trus sorenya.. die malah ngajakin ke nagoya jo… dan gw melakukannya… makan malem juga… merasakan hidup gw normal sesaat seperti gw di bandung dulu…. jalan ke simpang… ato ke bip.. ato ke madtari… ato kmanalah.. jalan2 teu jelas… ngobrol bareng temen… keketawaan… yah… walopun kerjaan gw blon beres… walopun gw bakal kena maki besok2… at least gw bisa ngrasain idup normal  lagi hari ini kan??Alhamdulillah hari yang menyenangkan… perut penuh dengan sashimi n tempura hehehhe… biarlah yang akan terjadi pasti  terjadi… ngapain dipikirin mita… aku orangnya terlalu worried kali yah… mikir kepanjangan.. ngambil keputusan susah.. aih… udah.. break the rule susah amat si hahahha… gw bisa mikir kalo gw pake cara gw… kalo pake cara sini.. edun bo.. mandeg hehehhe… yah tapi mo bagemana lagi…. bos is the bos… (yaile lah.. aneh pisan si :p) aturan 1 bos slalu benar… aturan 2 kalo bos salah ingat aturan satu :p yah.. gw pikir juga… minggu depan ajalah gw nglakuin pekerjaan aneh eta… minggu ini biarkan gw menenangkan diri gw gtu hehehhe… (maunya :p)

ada yang bilang aku ga ikhlas menerima takdirku… ehm.. kali yah… aku ikhlas si… tapi… caranya ini knapa bgitu memuakkan?? :p sungguh2 memuakkan… tapi ikhlas tu ga pake tapi… ikhlas ya ikhlas… mo memuakkan mau ga… (iya juga si :p) tau ah… lagi jadi orang ilang teu jelas nih…

Ikhlas…

Ikhlas…  bergantung definisi masing2 orang….

Aku hanya manusia biasa… terkadang aku mengikhlaskan suatu perkara.. tapi terkadang itu bgitu susah…

Ikhlas terhadap apa yang aku jalanin saat ini dan apa yang aku rasakan… Karna aku menjalanin ini untukMu Ya Allah… berat… berpisah dengan orang yang kita sayangin… jauh… dijauhin… benar2 sendiri… ga bergantung sama manusia fana… dengan orang di sekitar kita.. karna semua itu berubah dengan berjalannya waktu… walau aku slalu berusaha untuk selalu bersikap konsisten (dan aku juga cuma manusia biasa)… tapi sering kali apa yang kita dapatkan berbeda.. aku hanya manusia fana yang kadang menginginkan dipedulikan dengan orang yang kita sayangi…

slama ini aku terlalu settle… terlalu PW…sekarang saat aku diberi ujian tentang kesendirian… sendiri… (ehm.. tapi kadang kalo dipikir…. toh kalo kita sudah meninggalkan dunia ini juga bakal sendiri..so anggep aja latian kali ya )… saatnya latian berdua saja sama Allah… cukup…. aku tau Allah ga pernah meninggalkanku.. aku yang lebih sering meninggalkannya…tapi aku akan selalu berusaha untuk kembali… dan semoga aku ga meninggalkan terlalu jauh… selalu kembali padaNya…amin ^_^

Kadang aku berpikir.. kita sering meninggalkan Allah padahal Allah sayang ma kita… sedang aku… sebagai manusia sedih ketika orang2 yang kita sayangi menjauhi kita… ketika orang2 menyuekin kita…yah… berat… awal2 rasanya seperti diiris.. tapi sudahlah… biarkan saja… aku berjanji untuk ga berubah sikap walaupun mereka seperti itu… sulit…semoga aku bisa seperti itu… aku yakin Allah mengirimku ke sini dengan alasan dan hikmah tertentu… semua akan terjawab dengan berjalannya waktu… biarlah mereka bgitu… biar saja… ada Allah… dan.. aku tau kedua orang tuaku selalu menyayangiku… tegar.. jangan terlalu merasakan yang aku rasakan saat ini… aku udah menetapkan arah.. aku udah merencanakan apa yang ingin aku lakukan sampai 3 taon mendatang…. pandang tujuan… jangan rasakan.. terus maju untuk meraihnya… orientasikan pada tujuan dan hasil…setelah 3 taon… jiwaku akan bebas… hehehe.. ngarep… :p semoga aku bisa memenuhinya…ehm… kadang kontrak 3 taon itu terasa seperti jeruji penjara yang kuat…seceres aku termasuk orang yang membutuhkan ruang untuk bergerak bebas dan berkarya… slaen itu godaannya berat euy… amat sangat berat smangat2 ^_^ pasti bisa… kejar..kejar…kejar…..

good bye Rendra…

Today I have posted three times ^_^ this follows is one of Rendra’s poems.. we have to remember that anytime we could back to the Lord…

TITIPAN
W.S. Rendra

Sering kali aku berkata, ketika seorang memuji milikku,
bahwa sesungguhnya ini hanya titipan,
bahwa mobilku hanya titipan-Nya,
bahwa rumahku hanya titipan-Nya,
bahwa hartaku hanya titipan-Nya,
bahwa putraku hanya titipan-Nya,
tetapi, mengapa aku tak pernah bertanya,
mengapa Dia menitipkan padaku ?

Untuk apa Dia menitipkan ini padaku ?
Dan kalau bukan milikku, apa yang harus kulakukan untuk
milik-Nya ini ?
Adakah aku memiliki hak atas sesuatu yang bukan milikku ?
Mengapa hatiku justru terasa berat, ketika titipan itu
diminta kembali
oleh-Nya ?

Ketika diminta kembali, kusebut itu sebagai musibah
kusebut itu sebagai ujian,
kusebut itu petaka,
kusebut dengan panggilan apa saja untuk melukiskan bahwa
itu adalah derita.

Ketika aku berdoa,
kuminta titipan yang cocok dengan hawa nafsuku,
aku ingin lebih banyak harta,
ingin lebih banyak mobil,
lebih banyak popularitas,
dan kutolak sakit,
kutolak kemiskinan,
seolah keadilan dan kasih-Nya harus berjalan seperti
matematika:
aku rajin beribadah,
maka selayaknyalah derita menjauh dariku,
dan nikmat dunia kerap menghampiriku.

Kuperlakukan Dia seolah mitra dagang, dan bukan kekasih.
Kuminta Dia membalas “perlakuan baikku,” dan menolak
keputusan-Nya yang tak sesuai keinginanku.

Gusti, padahal tiap hari kuucapkan,
Hidup dan matiku hanyalah untuk beribadah…
“Ketika langit dan bumi bersatu, bencana dan
keberuntungan sama saja.”

bye Rendra

retell poem of friend..

Read a poem from other blogs (37degree) and I interested to write in English. It is a nice poem.. sometimes we do it right (or maybe… just me?? :p) yeah I did it sometimes (ehm… a lots of time :p). I try not do it too much.. but yeah.. I did it… so I always talk to myself… you need to talk or not… you will regret or not.. yeah something like that…

So here is the poem:

For the closed doors

I have made a lot of assumption

that will be incorrect

too much preconceived

For the closed doors

I might just dare not to knock

until the doors are rarely open

and let me entry

I really want to knock

Should I knock it?

Now?

Open it please…

or might be it is better if I believe

that you will be fine…

However…Try to knock it… with good intention….^_^

I’m sorry mita…I didn’t tell you the truth…

yah… these words came from my friend yesterday… her name… ehm… we could call her initial… S (from she?? hahahaha)..

when we were chatting yesterday she told me her apologized. Sorry because she didn’t tell me what she feels with that country which I also probably will go there in the future (in the closed time actually :p) the probability hmm… around 70% I think (I have gotten the acceptance letter :p beside I have to take another TOEFL or TOEIC test). she just didn’t tell me all her feeling (just the good things). said that everything is fine…ok… and yesterday she share with me the bad things… and she told  it because I will be a new member in that place :p the place is only nice if we come as tourist but… if you come as a student?? no way…

I just laugh.. don’t worry… I know that…and I know her… almost 6 years?? when she and I were new students in our university at 2003..during that time we’ve worked together in a team (in litkim group, several experiment in campus, etc) so… I know her personally… one of my best friends… she like shopping…. eating… hanging out…beside she really good student… yeah..she didn’t tell me everything but I could see from her status chatting, her facebook account, what time she signed out from YM.. her face when I ever asked in Bandung last year about her condition… she could handle it.. and I also believe that I could because God give me this opportunity and it means I could do it…

She also said we trapped in the same hole… so welcome mita… and I smile…

yeah we trapped in the same hole.. so let’s make a sweet hole… for living… we make a plan.. what we could do in the future.. hahahaha… she said that she will come to my city and I’ll go to her city…have fun together… visit a nice place… walking around.. And I said… how if we go to russia?? or… mongolia?? she would rather going to south korea… and…we will see…(consider to our financial and our free time of course ^_^)…

So.. yeah.. here I am… when I look back… why I did this at January? I don’t know.. maybe I will not try this right now (oh.. so childish :p).. I will.. because it is good for me.. for my future…

what I am afraid of? I know the answer… I am afraid because I will do what things which I love to.. during my life, I do much things which I don’t like it..and I learn to love it… and… right now is my chance to do what I love.. to prove it.. That I am good enough.. hmm..ganbatte ne mita-san… actually I still have to learn my unfavorite things… could you guess? learn new language… new alphabets…beside I have to improve my English.. Actually I am not good also in Indonesian language.. I also don’t like it (the formal grammar?? huh…) :p